I Killed It with a Fucking Dagger

Last night, I was up super late (as per usual…). I went downstairs for some water and something to munch on. I grabbed a glass of water and some French toast crunch cereal (yes… French toast crunch… it was new when I was a kid, and my husband is fucking awesome by bringing home a box a few days ago. They brought it back for nostalgia and shit… and money….) and sat down on the couch downstairs to watch some Futurama and munch on my cereal when out of the corner of my eye, I see something fucking HUGE scurry across the floor off to my right. I look down and see….

And see…..

The hugest fucking hobo spider I have ever fucking seen. I mean, this thing was like a full inch in its BODY size. Not including legs. Now, if you know me, you would know that I love spiders. I have three tarantulas (a rosehair, a Mexican red knee, and a Brazilian black, though Brian thinks the Brazilian is his…. hahahaha). When I see a spider in the house, I don’t mind (unless it is a web maker). If it makes a web, I just scoop it up and take it outside. But not those fucking hobos. Not just because their name is hobo (though they are also known as aggressive house spiders), but because they are dicks and sometimes have harmful bites. Their bites have a chance of causing nausea, dizziness, and the bite site can become freaking necrotic. If they just had harmful venom, but were docile, I would take them outside like I do all other spiders. But no…. these motherfuckers come at you. I swear to bob, I do not say anything even approaching come at me bro, but come at you they do!

So, I see this gigantic hobo spider skittering across the floor. It fucking stops right in front of me. And I swear, it looks right at me and moves a bit closer to my feet. I, of course, immediately recognized it by the dark brown color and the huge nodes on the front thingies…. the thingies…. you know, the little legs up front near the mouth but like they aren’t for walking…. anyhow, I drop my phone on it thinking it is heavy enough… it should kill it.

No…. it just pissed it off. And maybe startled it.

It scurried off underneath the coffee table. Just waiting to spring out at me again to take its revenge. So, to avoid the inevitable revenge…. I grabbed the first weapon I found on the coffee table….

A dagger.

Yes…. a dagger. And not just a letter opener or a decorative piece. A fucking dagger. It is not super sharpened, but it is heavy duty metal. Don’t ask me why I have a dagger lying about on my coffee table. I just do. The same reasons I have bayonets next to the front door. Reasons, dude.

Anyhow, I grabbed the dagger and, still in its sheath, I slunk down to see where the  spider may be hiding… it thought it was safe in the darkness under the coffee table…. but I used my keen vision (this would be funny if you knew just how bad my eyesight really was…. -6.50 in both eyes… it’s bad. I was once told by an optometrist that he had seen 80 year olds with better vision than mine…) to spot the little bugger. I slowly positioned the dagger (still in the sheath) over the bastard and struck down once, twice, three times until I was satisfied that it was dead. Yes… I left the sheath on. It may have been overkill with it off….

And that is how I killed it with a fucking dagger.