Welcome to the Jungle (That is – My Crazy Brain)

Fair warning, this blog will not be for everyone… for I, myself, am not for everyone. My sense of humor and personality could be considered slightly odd or A.B. Normal (I slipped that one in there for all of you Mel Brooks fans, BTW). There will be rants. Most of which some of you may find a bit too neurotic for your tastes (though I choose to see it as too awesome for your tastes, as I am just that: AWESOME).

I figure now is a good time to introduce myself. My name is Erika. I would prefer to be called Epica (as I am so epic in nature), but that is the name of a Dutch death metal band (if you like Dutch death metal, you should check them out: http://epica.nl/). I have never really agreed with the term “death metal”. I find the music quite lovely and not at all like death. Though, my views on death may be different than most people’s. Death is just doing his job, right? There is no reason to fear the reaper (see what I did there Blue Oystercult fans?). Just get even with the one who caused him to come calling on your doorstep. If it were me, I would haunt my killer’s ass until he/she was driven to commit suicide by the worst possible way: death by squirrel. I don’t know how that would work at all, but squirrels are evil. Just ask my partner in crime, Chomp. Chomp is my 5 year old boxer dog, and she earned her name. I swear to Bob, her mouth can unhinge itself. And I think it would be pertinent to state here that I have no doubts I meet my end by another’s hand. I am just too awesome for some people.

Wow, I really got off topic there. I was trying to introduce myself. You will find that I often go off into tangents such as those read above.

ANYHOW, my name is Erika. I am 27 years old. I enjoy long walks on the beach, sunsets, blah, blah, blah, blah. No, not really. I hate the outdoors. I prefer to stay inside and binge on Netflix and play video games. I am by no means a great gamer, but I do consider myself a gamer nerd of sorts. I am certain that I have lost many a potential reader by divulging my gamer nature. We are not all stinky fat nerds who subsist on pizza. Though, I really do like pizza. It is the perfect combo of foods. Veggies (tomato sauce… I count that as my vegetable intake), cheese (because cheese is the tastiest source of dairy), and horribly bad for you meat products: pepperoni, bacon, etc. (basically the best tasting meat products). I mean, can you go wrong with pizza? Well, just don’t overdo it lest you become a thousand pounds (which is how I often feel after binging on pizza).

I’ve done it again. Sorry. Seriously, I don’t know why my brain just wanders. Anyhow, I am married. No children (unless you consider my three dogs, cat, snake, three tarantulas, and countless fish as my children…. which I do. And I am well aware that those of you who have children of the non-animal variety think that I am totally insane, but I love my animals as my babies. I am also far too lazy and selfish to breed. I mean, I don’t want to fuck up a child. Because, as I am sure you are all realizing, I would be a HORRIBLE mommy. Plus, the thought of pushing a watermelon sized parasite out of my lowers just sounds like an 80’s slasher film and a horrible investment.).

At this point, I can imagine that some of you are thinking, “Who the fuck would marry this crazy bitch?!”. I have to say that I don’t know how the hell I lucked out on that one. I just happened to find a person who could deal with my level of weird. I think it is because he, too, is rather weird. Though, I find he is more able to fake it with people. He is the nice neighbor who helps fix vehicles and stuff. I am the neighbor who just about vaults from the car and sprints into the house to avoid human contact. I find that I am not very good at socializing with the vast majority of people. I was told by a co-worker that I am already the crotchety old lady of my neighborhood at the ripe age of 27. I have been described as being a lady who will literally yell “Get off my lawn!” at the neighborhood children. I  have not actually yelled that. But there have been a few times that I have angrily yelled for them to shut the hell up. To be honest,  I am not proud of that. To be more honest, I am totally  proud of that.

Now that I have given you a brief introduction, you may go running screaming into the hills. I will not hold it against you. Just come back. Preferably with some double fudge brownie ice cream. Or scotch. Scotch is good.

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