Being Nice (For a Socially Awkward Person)

Being nice for me is telling your neighbor/friend/acquaintance that the ugly alien that they pooped out of their vagina is cute. It is a creepy little chest burster that made its way out through your vagina. It looks like a little alien. Not like a little person. I mean, for god’s sake, when it kicks in utero it looks like the scene from Alien when the chest burster is attempting to rip its way out of dude’s chest!

I have to apologize to those of you who have had children or think that babies are adorable. But I have to disagree.

First of all, the eyes on them are freakishly huge. Secondly, why the hell would there be a soft spot on their heads?! Built in self-destruct button. Why would anyone willingly LET another person hold their baby with the risk of said spot being pressed?! Well, unless you are a risk taker. Thirdly, the mess. I have no problems shoveling up the shit that my dogs leave in the yard, nor do I have a problem emptying the self cleaning litter box. But diapers? Wiping another person’s ass? An acquaintance once told me that the first baby shit is the worst smelling shit that they have to endure, and that he had literally gagged and almost vomited while changing the diaper. Then he proceeded to tell me the color and consistency of said shit. And the feeding….. it seems as though the food just cannot go INTO the baby’s mouth. It is destined to become smeared all over its face!

It reminds me of when I volunteered at an Alzheimer’s home for my high school senior project experience. I spent a few hours each week going there after school to read to certain patients and to spend time with them in the activity room. More than once, I was forced to witness “snack time.” Most of the time, it was pudding or something of the like. One patient was so far gone that she had a raggedy Anne doll that she also fed. She would put the spoon to the doll’s face as if to feed it and then attempted to get the pudding into her own mouth and failing 80% of the time. I found it rather sad as I could imagine how the woman would have felt knowing that she would end up in such a manner… having regressed into a more childlike state of mind. But I could not help being super grossed out as well. I have a problem with bodily fluids and food smeared on faces.

I guess this really drives it home for all of you reading this that I would be the worst parent in the world. I commend those of you who have been able to endure it and continue to do so.

Being nice for me, a socially retarded person, is a feat. Unlike my husband, I do not offer my assistance to the neighbors to fix things or whatever. My efforts to establish and maintain a good neighbor relationship extend to simply sharing a few cigars to my neighbor (mainly to further infuriate the douche that lives on the other side of me. He bitches about the cigar smell from my backyard… stating that it is a noxious odor, but then smokes weed in his backyard.). I refuse to attend a neighborhood barbeque (though we have been invited to a few in the past several years). I choose to do the minimum when it comes to fostering such niceties. Suburbia may not be for me.

Being nice for me also extends to me keeping my mouth shut most of the time. As I am sure you have already gathered, I am rather opinionated and different. With those that I am comfortable with, I often spout out joking insults (lovingly of course).

I often find myself having to stop and THINK before letting my mouth open while in the company of those who I am not close to. Like, would it be acceptable to make a poop joke? Or, how would he/she take it if I were to say I’m never going to fucking breed? Most people would probably find my choice of the word “breed” as unacceptable. It would be more acceptable to say that I do not want to start a family (though, I think I have a lovely family. My family includes my animals and my husband).

It would further be odd for me to say that I did not quite understand the drive that most people seem to have to reproduce. I mean, what drives a person to want to be sleep deprived, spend way too much money on child, clean up disgusting messes, etc.? I maintain that having children is a bad investment. When I posed that opinion to my mother, she asked “Who will take care of you when you are old?” I maintain that because I have a disposable income (not having to pay for schooling and stuff), I will be able to hire someone to care for me or be able to live comfortably in a senior community with a private nursing staff.

How did my talking about how I attempt to be nice end up here? Weird how my brain works.

Back on subject!

Being nice for me is just exhausting. I constantly have to second guess myself. To really think about things. To resist the temptation to tell someone what I really feel. I am sure it is not as difficult for most people to just be themselves and also be nice. Polite. Sociable. Not crude or crass.

I suppose I am just a nutty, grating, bitchy person. It’s not like I go out of my way to be bitchy. I guess it is just in my base nature. My motto is likely: Please go away. (See, that was nice. I said please).


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