Instructions to my Husband Upon my Death

1. Donate my body to science.

It would be so badass to end up at the body farm to help students of forensics see the decay of my body in certain conditions. This became my dream for my corpse ever since I read the book Stiff by Mary Roach. I read it in high school… I was an odd teenager. Not much has changed there….

2. I want a wake.

The wake should be supplied with much booze. But nothing gross and sweet. Appletinis are hereby banned from my wake.

3. I want strippers at my wake.

I didn’t know that people actually had strippers at their funerals. I don’t want it to show off my wealth or to attract more people to my wake. I just want strippers there because reasons. Pretty strippers! Is that an oxymoron?

4. I want a portion of my body to be cremated and put into a sex toy urn.

At this point, he is only talking about making urn dildos, but I am sure he can make an autoblow urn.

5. I want Bruce Campbell to perform my eulogy.

I have loved him since I was six when I first saw him on The Adventures of Brisco County Jr. The obsession has only grown from there.

6. I want leather goods to be made of my skin.

I wish for a belt to be made of my leg skin for my husband. I want my hip tattoo made into a purse. And my Fifth Element tattoo made into a wallet for my lover, Kendra. That way, I will always be with them!

7. I want my wake to be at the Phallic Museum.

Especially if I can’t visit it when I am alive. If we can’t do it there, I will settle for the Mutter Museum.

One more thing!

I want my husband to create a perfume that smells like me to comfort him when I am dead…. likely by his hands.


One thought on “Instructions to my Husband Upon my Death

  1. Jeanne Parker

    And I thought I had an unusual after death wish! In Tibet (although I am sure it is illegal now that the Chinese took over) monks will take the body of the deceased to a remote area. They will cut off an arm or leg to help attract scavengers. A few days later, after the scavengers have finished their feast, the monks will return and break up the remaining bones to expose the marrow. This ensures that nothing is wasted and is kind of the ultimate recycling campaign. It also pays respect to the animals who are given a wonderful feast.

    Hey – maybe we could really piss off the Chinese and have strippers accompany the monks!

    Liked by 1 person


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