I am a Drug Dealer, Guys….

That moment that you realize that you are your cat’s dealer.

I bought a bunch of herbs to keep in a window sill planter thingy that I put together… no, it is nothing fancy. It is actually pretty cheesy. It is some cans in two wooden boxes. It is rustic. Yeah…. let’s call it rustic. Not at all redneck. Anyhow, in my search for marjoram, I saw this lovely catnip plant. So, thinking that Mister, my cat, would enjoy a fresh leaf of catnip every once in a while, I picked one up.

Well…. that was a mistake. I swear to Bob, he joneses for catnip now. He never used to really care that much about catnip when I just gave him the dried stuff. No. Now, any time I go downstairs, he is right there with me. Reaching his little paws up toward the counter where the “rustic” window sill planter is. Of course, I feel guilty somehow, and give him a leaf almost every time. And also follow that up with a bit of tuna here and there. It is like Mister jedi mind tricks me. I think he actually can do that. There is something in his eyes. My cat is a fucking jedi, guys.

Speaking of cats… I came across something I did not know was an actual thing. Cat Cons. Seriously… search for it on the internets…

Though, now that you have typed that in… I should warn you, that the first thing that popped up when I typed in the search bar “Cat cons” was “Cat constipation”. You may want to revise your search to “Cat Conventions”. Well, unless you really want to know about cat constipation. I, personally, don’t.

Apparently, the first ever cat con happened last week in Los Angeles. I first came across this weird bit of info on the Buzzfeed on my phone. But I can’t find it again on the full website to link it to you. Mostly, because I didn’t really look that hard. But it was awesome. I really think I need to go to one of these. We need to have more cat cons. All of the time. Everywhere. Not like a cat show. No… Mister will never be a show cat. Furthermore, I don’t really like the concept of cat shows. Yes… let’s feel up your animal to make sure it is within breed standard. And let’s parade it around for us to judge solely on appearance. My cat cannot be judged based on appearance. He is so much more than his looks. Mostly, because I made him fat. But that is just because his jedi skills are strong. Or I just have a weak mind when it comes to cats. It’s the eyes. I just get drawn in by Mister’s big sweet eyes.

Where was I? Oh yes, cat conventions. It was like a cat lady extravaganza! I don’t consider myself a cat lady…. yet. I have yet to purchase any cat themed attire for myself. I have not yet gotten Mister any outfits (mostly because my husband detests the idea of me dressing the cat in cute outfits because my husband is a douche). I do, however, have a coin purse that is in the shape of a cat’s head. Yes, I have a severed cat head in my purse that I use to store coins. But I love cats. I just have not ascended to cat lady status. But I aspire to be that crazy cat lady who also has dogs and tarantulas and snakes and fish.

Speaking of fish…. I think Mister has been stealing and eating my fish. I have three fish tanks. And the biggest one has had two fish go missing recently. No bodies to be found. No bits. Nothing. And I don’t know how Mister could get at them. It has a cover that is pretty damned secure. So far, two cichlids have disappeared. Those were eight dollar fish. I mean, for the size, that is some expensive sushi for my cat. I give him tuna all of the time. Why would he want to eat my pet fish? Why? I’ll tell you why…. it’s the nip. He gets crazed on the nip, man. And I supply him with the junk. I am a terrible cat mommy.


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